This is an entry in my diary of Sept. 2004, my mother was dying of Lung cancer.
"Sitti: She stretched a single sound till it became two---perhaps she could have said anything,
the word for peanuts, or waterfalls, and said a prayer."
That is what I pray for, acceptance- no judgements. How to just love, as if it were easy, as easy as riding a bike, love,
as if it were water, which it is, to quench thirst. How to love as if I could read it in a book, which I can't; How to, as if a single definition from the dictionary
or someones holy book could make the path clear. That is what I pray for, the stretched syllable, as if ya, god, muhammed, mary had no impure
thoughts, no human doubts, no wants, no pain, as in only unmistakenly, imprecisely - me loving you, like water, like dew in the morning on
cactus, forming its own nature that one perfect syllable..........ahhhhh."
Of course, what makes me think of this is the highly divided, passions and rage that are sweeping out country. Our country. The Home of immigrants,
the colorful imaginings of the human race. One race. One humanity. And I'm wondering how we are going to come back together, to save ourselves.
To forgive ourselves. To love our world and all our sisters and brothers.
Well, I don't know. But I do know it has to do with acceptance. Love. Gentleness. Kindness. Understanding. I'm not good at it. It is something
I have practiced for my whole life. Forgiving the people who hurt me, who abused me, who twisted my world view into unsidedown and backwards
ways of caring. But through a long and broken road, I found people along the way to help me, guide me into finding myself and my heart.
I forgive my mother and father every time I think about them. And first there is always hurt, rage, indignant pride/ego. But then I realize that they
were broken and wounded too. Just like me. And I can't forgive them for what they did, but I can forgive them for being human beings, for
trying, in the only ways they knew, (which were not gentle, kind, or understanding) the ways that were passed down to them, father to son,
mother to daughter for generations.
I am not a religious person, but I do believe in the spiritual connections of all living beings. So what I am wishing for, praying for this New Year, 2021,
is for people to step back, in this timeless quiet, created by this common corona virus isolation, to see the big picture, us all together, fighting for the
same things; Health, Happiness, Joy, good work, good pay, visiting family, love, good air to breath, clean water, good food.